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These are my children
This was all I could think last Tuesday as we all gathered at the crematorium, waiting for relatives before putting Lola in the incinerator. She used to be so big. And by big, I mean larger than life. Lola Yayang was a tremendous presence in my early childhood. Both our parents worked, and we lived with our grandparents. Lolo Fel mostly puttered around in the garden. Lola Yayang ruled me and the twins like a giant mother hen. And the three of us, we were very tiny chicks. I guess that's why I kept thinking, she used to be so big. Our days, especially in the summer, were punctuated by her yelling from elsewhere in the house in Katipunan. "Gising na!" "Kain na!" "Ligo na!" "Bihis na!" "Tulog na!" and so on. She used to sit in our room and watch us to make sure we took afternoon naps. And when it was time for our evening baths, we used to scramble and hide in all sorts of hiding places so we wouldn't have to stop playing. She would hunt us down, one by one, and made sure we were clean before dinner.
She used to take me to the supermarket. We would take the jeepney on JP Rizal and go to Queens on Aurora Blvd. Once she asked me if I wanted to go, and I said no. And then I changed my mind, but she had already left. And I cried at the gate until she came back. She used to cook with firewood in the back yard, on a gigantic kaldero, heaps and heaps of food for when relatives were coming over to celebrate an occasion. And she used to make us clothes. She would take a piece of cloth, sort of measure me and my brothers, and a day later, we had shorts. I don't think she ever even made a pattern. She just did it all by eye, hunched over her sewing machine. I loved the sound of her sewing. And she frequently made me thread the needle. She used to say she couldn't see very well. But that her ears were still sharp. And that Lolo's eyes were super clear, but he's already nearly deaf.
Back then, even when she was still active, she would already have bouts of "sumpung" wherein she would refuse to leave her room and just watch TV in there for many days at a time. In college, I learned in Psych class that Lola was bi-polar or manic-depressive. There were days when she got everything done, and more. And days when she was too depressed to move. That changed when she had a stroke (I think over 15 years ago?) and after that she was just depressed all the time. She never cooked anymore, or sewed or went to the supermarket. Her mind grew dim, and over the years she succumbed to Alzheimers and she didn't even know who I was in the last few years. She just stayed in her room, waiting for death.
At the crematorium she was a shell of her former self, tiny, shriveled, practically skin and bones. Smaller even than me. She's been shrinking slowly over the past decade, that remembering how big she used to be out of no where broke my heart.
I am relieved, even a little happy that Lola has escaped the body that couldn't see, couldn't remember, could barely talk or even move. In my mind's eye, she is big again, in heaven, happy to be reunited with her two sons who passed before her.
But I also mourn the woman she was. Strong, persistent, a force to be reckoned with. And upon reflection, everything she ever did in her life was for her children. She wasn't educated, so she didn't have a job, but she did what she could with a sari-sari store and now all her children are successful, and her descendants are literally all over the world, living good lives she couldn't have dreamed of before. I am proud to know that I have a part of her in me, and that all my children, although they never knew the real person she was, also carry a little bit of Lola Yayang in them.
I love you, Lola. I'm glad you're ok now.
Anyway, to commemorate my confession, and Mike's subsequent embarrassment, this photo was taken:
Check out the timestamp. Film pa lahat ng photos back then, kids!
Aw! Look how thin Mike was. And how he had no grey hairs. And how I wore a retainer. And I still wear that shirt to sleep sometimes. Look how big my smile was. Can you tell how extremely kilig I was at that moment? EXTREMELY. Hahaha! Shempre my crush had his arm around me, so kilig to death, diba?
So anyway, happy Tenth Anniversary to my crush on Mike! For the record, I was not his JVP crush, and also, he didn't (officially) like me back until like five months later. But that's another story. Anyway, if you're reading this, Mike, don't worry, I won't be recalling every single 10th anniversary of each event of the year 2002 (although I could because I kept a detailed journal). But I want to celebrate the anniversary of my crush on you because ten years, three kids, and *ahem* lbs later, you're still my crush! And I still love you very very much. And also because I love this picture and wanted to post it on the internet.
Jogo, Kelly and Herbie, if you still read my blog, you can all roll over and die. :-) I miss you guys too. :-P
Someday Ramon will make me extremely proud and happy. He will be successful in his field, which he will be passionate about. He will be a great father and husband, and will provide well for his family. He will love his country and devote a lot time and energy to serving the poor, and be an agent of change towards social justice. He will be a good, God-fearing, honorable man.
But right now he is 2 years old. He clutched my thumb as he hugged my hand to his chest and in a few seconds, he fell asleep beside me.
Someday he will be a great and many things to many people. But right now he is all mine. My little son. I am already extremely proud and happy.
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
EDIT: Right after writing this entry, I put away my phone and turned off the lights, and then reached out to Ramon to hug him and discovered that he wet the bed (he peed so much it came out of his diapers). This made me not happy at all. I turned the lights back on, fetched a new set of pajamas, and changed his clothes and diaper. He made all the appropriate moves while I was doing this (arched his back, raised his hands), he opened one small eye while I was changing him, and then closed it again without a fuss. This sort of made me slightly happy. And when he was again in fresh clothes and clean diaper, I turned the lights back off and collapsed into bed thinking I shouldn't do short posts on my phone before sleeping anymore. Haha. Hrrm.
Finally, at the beginning of summer, when I found the presence of mind to enroll my daughters into ballet class, I also enrolled myself into Basic Jazz at the same dance studio. I haven't done any serious dancing in more than 10 years and I have never in my life done jazz. The peak of my dancing was back in college, when I did it for about 3 months straight, 3 times a week, 3 hours each session. It was brutal. I had giant bruises on my knees and I was always tired, but I really enjoyed it. I only quit because I couldn't keep up with the training AND studies AND social life at the time. Plus they made us run for an hour straight one session. I never came back after than. Hehe. I really really cannot abide by running. I will dance in heels for an hour straight but I will not run.
Anyway, fast forward 12 years and three children later, I am dancing again. I first heard of this class from the mommy of a former classmate of Lia so I figured I'd be in a class with other women like myself. Surprise! I entered a studio full of teenagers. When our teacher asked us our ages, they were all 12-15. Yes. Less than HALF my age! And to make matters worse, all but one of them had ballet backgrounds. Which meant they can make their bodies do all sorts of crazy things like touch their toes without bending their knees.
These young, lithe, graceful, happy girls flitted around like butterflies and I felt like a toad, as if my knees didn't even bend the right way. When I poured my frustrations on to Facebook, I got a lot of encouragement and was reminded that I'm probably in better shape now than they will be when THEY are in their thirties and had already given birth three times. After that, whenever I felt frustrated at how well they were doing and how awful I was, I would imagine them pregnant or in labor, or taking care of three small children under the age of 5 and I must admit it made me feel better. And then after one session when the young happy graceful girls were absent, I missed them. And realized I did my best when they were around because I needed to beat them. After that I didn't imagine them in labor anymore.
Right now, I can feel my body slightly stronger and slightly more flexible. I still get confused by crazy ballet steps like chasse and pas de bourree and it seems every time I finally get a step right (by right, it only means my various limbs were in the right positions at the right times, but it does not necessarily look graceful), the teacher comes up with a new torturous way of doing these steps, like turning while kicking or moving both feet AND arms. But I'm getting the routine and it makes me feel good. I'm quite happy I'm not part of the recital at the end of the month. After all recitals are to reassure parents that they haven't wasted their money on dance classes. Maybe if I am able to take this class for a whole year straight, I'll have the courage to perform on stage with the young happy butterflies. But for now I have to concentrate on not tripping over my own feet.
I've tried running, and all I could think while running is THE PAIN THE PAIN! WHY AM I DOING THIS?! I've also tried yoga a few times and each time the words on repeat in my head is I CAN'T BREATH. THIS IS NOT FUN! I used to think I didn't like these activities because I'm not good at it and I like dancing because while I'm not the best, I'm reasonably skilled. However, it turns out, Jazz kicks my ass, and I have no jazz dance skills at all. And yet I kept coming back so that I've reached the point where after the dance class, I no longer feel exhausted, but instead I feel energized. I don't know why I like dancing. I do know that I love it, even if it sneers at me with disdain. And while I will never be as good as my classmates who have been dancing all their lives, I hope to get to dance till the end of mine.
Dear Ramon,
Happy Birthday Two Years Old! Wow! My itty bitty baby is a big boy na! And yet, as you struggle for control over your life, you seem more like a baby than ever! Or maybe it's just me, because you are my youngest, I will always see you as a baby. You better pray that you grow up to be bigger than me (that won't be so hard to do) so that I can't baby you for the rest of your life. But then again, that may not be enough to stop me.
We celebrated your birthday yesterday at the Fun Farm in Sta Elena Estates! We had to leave the house very early to be there by 9AM and although you woke up on time, and with relatively little fuss, it all went downhill from there. You didn't want to eat, didn't want to bathe, didn't want to wear pang-alis clothes, didn't want to sit in your car seat. Each step of the way was met with loud and angry crying protests from you. The first 5-10 minutes of the car ride was all wailing and crying for stubborn little you. You didn't stop until I finally gave you my iPhone and you calmed down to play games. When you had composed yourself enough, you handed me back my phone and had this expression on your face that was all "This had better be good, Mom. This had better be good."
Fortunately, you, your sisters and cousin, titos and titas and lolos and lolas all had a great time. In this picture, your yaya caught a fish and as you saw it wriggling on its hook, you stuck our tongue out at it. You rode in a cart pulled by a carabao, you fed the rabbits and tried to catch them, you ran around and played and you also sat and relaxed and ate. And when you got grubby and we had to change your clothes, you stubbornly insisted on putting on a sando and puruntong shorts thus looking so at home, you looked like you lived in the Fun Farm. It was so fun to celebrate your birthday this way, and celebrate the person that you are.
The person that you are is, you are a sweet sweet boy. You like to hug and be hugged, you are such an affectionate kid. But on the other hand, you can also be left to your own devices. If you have the box of tinkertoys or blocks, you can sit and play by yourself for quite a long time. You are also good at playing with your sisters. You still tend to grab from them when you want what they're playing. But if they find something you like more, you are usually willing to trade. They like making you laugh, but you like making them laugh too. If you do something they find funny, you do it over and over again and the three of you would erupt in loud laughter. It really warms my heart to watch you guys play nicely together. Of course, many times, you three fight over toys, or one thing or another, but on the whole, I think you are very good friends with your sisters.
Just last week you started swimming lessons because while your sisters did ballet, you seemed so lonely being left alone at home everyday. So I brought you to lessons and we did away with your super safety life vest, as the swim coach asked that you wear just arm floaties. I was so surprised that within the first lesson, he got you floating in the middle of the pool without hanging on to anyone! You even did some blowing bubbles under water! You were really having so much fun and coach said that you are matapang. The next step would be to get you to kick your legs. I think if you keep this up, you will be zipping around like a fish in the tradition of the Lapid children. I am so happy and proud of you.
Ramon, you really have a strong personality. Even if most of the time, you are content to just sit in one place, and play or just watch Charlie and Lola all afternoon, if your routine, or your idea of what is supposed to happen is disrupted, you are capable of some epic tantrums. You can cry for more than 30 minutes straight! That's how hard headed you are. You even want to be able to choose what to wear. I think you just always want to be comfortable, and to always be in your comfort zone. But that doesn't mean you are timid or fearful. You like swimming, and animals, and even new places and people. I guess this means you are capable of expanding your comfort zone. As soon as you get over the disruption of your precious routine. Ah well.
I do love being with you and playing with you, Ramon, and knowing you and figuring out your personality. Now that you're two, you'll be learning even more words, and doing even more things. I'm excited to watch you grow and be there every step of the way, taking photos, writing about you, telling your Dad what you did at the end of every day. The two of you are so alike in so many ways, it's astounding. I hope the two of you grow up to be good, close friends. Even if your Daddy keeps saying the two of you will keep secrets from me, I guess if that means the two of you will form a very close bond, then I guess that's ok. Just don't tell Daddy.
I love you so much, my little man. Happy happy second birthday.
Love, Mommy
Happy 4th Birthday! It seemed this year your birthday took FOREVER to come! Ever since Ate Lia's birthday last month, you would ask me nearly everyday if it was your birthday already. I had to show you a calendar to see how many days it was till your birthday. I pointed out that first, you will have your Moving Up Day, and then there's Daddy's Birthday, and then Ninang's Birthday and after that will be your birthday. And I asked you if you understood. You said "Yes. Is it my birthday now?"
It was, however, well worth the wait, because you had a very special birthday indeed. We held a Dora-themed pool party at Ninang's house. All but one of your classmates came, and many of them brought siblings. Tita Yumi not only fulfilled your special request of having cupcakes on your birthday, she even gave you a two-tiered fondant birthday cake! And then in the late afternoon, all the Juan kids got to play in Active Fun and then Lolo Dan and Lola Vinchu joined us to have your birthday dinner in Fridays where the waiters all sang and danced for you as you blew out your candle. It was a very long and very special birthday for you and you loved it and and it made us so happy to see you so happy.
You are a lovely and adorable girl. You're friendly and smart. Whenever I take you to some play area in the malls, you always greet me with, "Mommy! I have a new friend!" At home your favorite thing right now is to draw houses. It's basically the same house, but it evolves every time you show it to me. When you showed me one of your earlier houses, I asked you, what's in your house? And you pointed all the parts of your house to me. Then I asked, where's the roof? You said there's no roof. So I asked, what if it rains? The next time you showed me another house you drew, you said, "Look mommy! It has a roof!" And then I asked, who lives in your house? And you said, You, Mommy! When I asked, where am I? You went and drew another house that had "me" in it. But your house grew in detail not only at my comments, but by your own creativity as well. Soon your windows had grills, and other swirly bits I can't guess what they are. Nevertheless, it shows that you are creative and you take criticism well.
The past six months were quite eventful for you. On thing that happened was that Daddy and I went to the UK for two weeks and that was the longest you were ever separated from the two of us, well, actually the longest you were ever separated from me. And Lola Vinchu tells me you were quite sad during this time. Once when you were sleeping in Katipunan, you called her Mommy and then looked confused. I didn't see this because you were very happy when we got back. But because of this Daddy and I decided we should never be away from home for more than two weeks at a time. In December, we all went to Boracay, which was a complicated trip. It involved riding a plane, and then a bus and then a boat and then a shuttle to get to our hotel. But you took this all in stride and traveled very well. Seems you even enjoyed riding a plane. And you just slept in the bus. The journey truly is a part of the adventure for you. I'm so proud that you were well behaved. And then, just recently, your Yaya Jane left us. This made you sad too, because you really liked Yaya Jane. The day after she left, you seemed really listless, and Teacher Anne said you just clung to her the whole time in school. But the day after, you bounced right back, and started giving your drawings to your new Yaya, Ate Maulin. Without my telling you to, you did your part to make her feel welcome in our home. Thank you Desi.
You are really funny! You have a great sense of humor. Tito Chicho would try to annoy you but he can't get you to be pikon because you just laugh at everything he says. You like playing peek-a-boo with Ramon to make him laugh. And you're very sweet and malambing to everyone! When Daddy gets home in the evenings, and I tell all you kids to kiss him, you run into his arms and make him carry you and you give him a big hug and often many many kisses. And then you have this funny no-teeth smile you like to do for the camera. You squint your eyes and purse your lips to let your dimples show and you have many many photos with this funny fake smile. Fortunately, it's easy to make you laugh so you'll give a real smile. But still, I don't know where you got this funny face.
Oh Desi, you've grown so big and capable. When I got your report card last week, Teacher Anne was happy to show me that you got perfect scores in ALL ITEMS. Even I was surprised. I didn't know you could do some of the things on the card, like draw a person with body parts. I never saw you do that. So I asked her, if you tested well, because whenever I try to test you, you make that funny no-teeth smile and do baby talk. Teacher Anne said, that when the testing is serious, you answer well. But if you think it's just joke time, you pretend you're a baby and you don't know anything. Sigh. I hope you know that your entrance exam to big school is serious because if you treat it like joke time, then you'll have to stay in pre-school longer than originally planned.
I love you so much, Desi-wesi. How you like to snuggle up with me in the mornings, how you kiss me on the nose, how you told me you want curly hair just like me (be careful what you wish for). Even how you kulit me every day about the things that excite you. Like your birthday, and ballet, and going to Sarah's house. I love that you can express yourself, that you make an effort to deal with your feelings, that you are well mannered, and that you want to learn. It's been a frustration for you lately that you cannot yet read books the way Ate Lia can. But you always try, and you always make me read books to you until you memorize them. You are special and Awesome Sauce. I am very very proud of you.
I love you forever. No matter what.
Mommy
Happy Birthday 6 years old! You turned 6 yesterday and you've been waiting for that day since... well, since your 5th birthday! You love birthdays, especially your own. I don't think it's the gifts that make you look forward to your birthdays. I think it's your parties. Because you spend the whole year thinking of what theme you will have for your next birthday party. This year it was Barbie. So I asked your Tita Yumi to bake cupcakes for you and and put them in Barbie cupcake boxes. And then we prepared hotdogs at home with pink cheese, put in boxes we decorated with Barbie stickers. Unfortunately, your school is quite strict when it comes to birthday parties, so for the first time I wasn't able to be there and see you celebrate with your friends, or watch you blow your candle, or even take photos. But that's ok because I know you're a big girl now and that you had a lot of fun.
You celebrated in school a day early. But yesterday we celebrated with family. After school we took you and Desi and Ramon and Luis to Active Fun in Fort Bonifacio. You chose a gift (Barbie) and then you all played in the play area and after that we had dinner with the whole family! Daddy, all your lolos and lolas, plus Ninang Michelle and Tita Ia were all there to celebrate with you. The waiters of Friday's even sang a birthday song for you. I think you were surprised and a little overwhelmed, but you took it well and blew out your candle pa rin. I hope you had fun on your birthday sweetheart! But the celebrations aren't over. Tomorrow, you will watch Sound of Music with Lola Vinchu (that's her birthday gift to you) and on Sunday is our celebration in St. Ignatius. We do so love celebrating your birthday because we love the fact that you were born and are a part of our lives.
The past year has brought a lot of changes in your life. The biggest change of all is your going to Big School. It's a big change for all of us, because we have to go a bit farther to bring you to and from school, there are lots of new rules, and lots of new activities. You LOVE it! You took to new school like a duck to water. This photo was taken at the end of your first day of school, First day pa lang, you already had a best friend, Mickey! Fun coincidence, I know her mommy, Tita Pia from debating in high school. Until now, near the end of the school year, Mickey is still your best friend. I met some of your other classmates as well, because I volunteered to help out in your school whenever they needed mommies. You're not as bossy or assertive in school as you are at home. But you are well liked by your classmates and you're doing really well. I'm very proud of you.
In school, you are way ahead of your classmates in reading. Your teacher told me you're reading at the level of Grade 1 or higher. It's not surprising because you had a great head start, having started to read at age two and a half. You love reading stories about fairies and princesses, and even bible stories. But your favorite topics to read these days are about science. Sometimes you spout out random science facts like, "Sea stars aren't plants, even though they look like plants. They're more closely related to brittle stars, sea urchins and sea cucumbers. Mommy, what are sea cucumbers?" Whenever you tell me things like these, it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. As in kinikilig ako that you love reading about animals, plants and nature because I also used to love to read about all those things! I can't wait to introduce you to geography, Greek mythology and mysteries! I wonder if you'll like Nancy Drew? I started reading Nancy Drew when I was in 2nd grade. Nana gave me my first Nancy Drew book. It's what started a life long interest in murder mysteries. Anyway, it hardly matters if you like to read the same things I do, as long as you love to read. Which you do. And that really warms my heart. Tito Carlo will do his best to encourage you to become a scientist like him because he says there aren't enough women in his field. Maybe he'll succeed in making you change your mind to be an Ice Skater when you grow up.
You are a good Ate, you are always well behaved, and always sets a good example for your younger siblings and cousin. Sometimes it's hard, like when Desi doesn't listen to you, you can feel very frustrated, and of course you can't help but cry when Luis forgets his gentle hands. But you are quick to forgive and be happy again. You're very good at sharing your things, trying to teach Desi how to read, getting Ramon to laugh, and playing with Luis when he's being too rowdy for your siblings. You are a natural leader, you like to choose the games on the Wii on game nights, make sure everyone takes their turn, and you don't get upset anymore if you lose. Really, everything is more fun when you're around.
Last week, Lola Vinchu assigned you to lead the prayer in St. Ignatius. When I told you, you said, No thank you. I asked you why you didn't want to lead the prayer, and you said you feel nervous. I said, we can talk about your prayer and then I could write it down so you can read it while praying. At this suggestion, your face lit up and you agreed to lead the prayer. You chose the song Welcome to the Family, which Daddy played on the guitar for you, and you read the prayer that we wrote on a piece of prayer. It was very simple, of course, and you did a great job, even in the part where I couldn't guide you because I had to attend to Ramon. You really have a strong sense of self, good self esteem and a lot of confidence. Last Christmas, you sang Happy Birthday Jesus to everyone in the party all by yourself. You didn't whine or complain, you just sang. It made me very proud and happy.
You really are growing up, my Lovely Lia, perhaps faster than your siblings, because you are the eldest, and you've always been so bright, we tend to expect quite a lot from you, and you never disappoint. I'm afraid I don't have a realistic view of what normal 6 year olds should be capable of doing, because I know that you are smarter and more mature than most. And it's hard for me to talk about your with other parents, because they tend to feel that their children are behind or something, when they're not. It's just that you're ahead. In the past six years I haven't been able to figure out what I did right that you turned out as awesome as you have, except that I know God loves me more than I could have imagined, more than I'll ever deserve, because he blessed me with you.
Thank you so much for being my baby, my daughter, my pride. I love you so much. Always and forever.
Love, Mommy
